A Need to Belong

Who doesn’t want to belong? In my earlier years growing up and even into adulthood, I have struggled with belonging. One of my core beliefs and life themes was that I didn’t matter. When you take that belief and project it into the course of your life, it takes on a very dismal future. It influenced many decisions I made until I realized that my life could be much more than what it had become. 

On the outside, it looked as if all was well. The problem was on the inside, where my internal world felt upside down. Two steps forward, three steps back. I soon grew tired of this cycle and knew there had to be more to life. I sought counseling and uncovered my need to belong. In the process, I learned we all carry this desire to belong. It’s one of our strongest drives. It’s not vain conceit we are after, for that will never satisfy, nor is there sustainability in it. 

What we are looking for is attachment. 

History of Attachment Styles

As you age, you develop your own attachment style based largely on the attachment behaviors you learned as a child. It’s not uncommon for children to grow up with insufficient personal attention suffering from a lack of emotional nurture, perhaps for their entire lives. Being bonded with a loving person is a need like food and water. Often those of us who have been emotionally malnourished as children minimize or deny this. Unfortunately, it is very common for good and loving parents who do the best they can to unwittingly foster emotional insecurity in their children. The point here is not to place blame on our parents. 

As adults, the responsibility lies with us for our own lives and character, not our parents. It is up to us to learn to appreciate the good we received from them, forgive them for ways they failed us and then develop new empathy-based relationships that help us to heal. The most important area for our personal and spiritual growth is in our relational capacity for attaching or bonding with caring people. Attachment styles can have a big impact on how you form relationships as an adult, shaping your ability to experience them in meaningful and intimate ways. 

Today we are going to introduce the four different attachment styles and delve deeper into each one over the next several weeks. I hope you will join us as attachment styles is an incredibly massive and important subject. Learning to have secure attachments will be a game changer for you and your relationships. 

4 Attachment Styles

There are four distinct attachment styles; three are insecure that keep us in cycles, focused on survival and the root of our issues. Secure attachment is our goal. Maribeth Poole, explains that “all of us have an ‘emotional stance and type of energy’ from which we interact with our world.” 

We are not born with secure attachments; we form them through modeling. We are all human and are imperfect caretakers. We often model what has been modeled to us. The good news is you can change your attachment style and learn to securely attach to others. It is through secure attachments that we can keep our relationships more important than the problems we face.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is rooted in love and is void of fear. 1 John 4:18 reminds us: “Love never brings fear, for fear is always related to punishment. But love’s perfection drives the fear of punishment far from our hearts. Whoever walks constantly afraid of punishment has not reached love’s perfection.” Secure attachment is modeled when caretakers are attuned to the emotional and physical needs of their children. Growing up, you were encouraged to express your thoughts and opinions and encouraged to talk about hard times. Your parents were involved in helping you to find your voice, encouraged to try new things, given help as needed, learned it was good to take care of yourself and empathy was modeled when caring for others. You learned to emotionally regulate meaning you learned to return to joy after any situation or emotion. Secure attachment also affords you the ability to engage with your emotions and work through problems in relationships without sabotaging or becoming destructive. 

With secure attachment, your relationship with God reaps the benefits of receiving His love without shame, causing you to run and hide. You know your story is not fully written but you do know the truth of Romans 8:28: “So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose.” 

So let’s be honest, this sounds like a life made in heaven, too good to be true. This exemplifies someone who lives from their true self. And perhaps some of this resonates with you and you are well on your way to enjoying the fulfillment of living from a secure attachment. However, if this does not sound like you at all, do not despair! Most of us did not start out with secure attachments in life. You can learn to make secure attachments through practicing self-awareness, reflection and a good model. 

Insecure Attachments

The three insecure attachments are labeled as dismissive, distracted (anxious) and disorganized attachments. It’s important that you are aware of which attachment is your style so you can learn to be intentional about your connection practices. With some reflection you can identify what is working and what is not. Most likely you will have a combination of one or more. 

In short, dismissive attachment style believes the message: “to be seen and not heard.” Emotions were dismissed and needs, opinions and feelings were unimportant. You’ve learned not to trust others emotionally and decided that you don’t need that level of care anyway. You think you can take care of yourself, which to you means staying busy, being strong, and not having needs or being vulnerable. 

Distracted attachment manifests through focus on whichever person or event was the most demanding and grabbed your attention. You gravitate toward the underdog and often struggle with addictions, especially when the day is void of personal affirmation and tenderness. 

And last, disorganized attachment style shows up at first glance as someone who is stable, reliable, and a responsible colleague. However, when difficulties arise, you crumble emotionally. You are a very fearful person with a poor coping capacity and inability to regulate your emotional responses, staying focused and ‘on track’ in life. 

Learning to Attach

Identifying your attachment style is the first step to bring healing and repair to your insecure attachments, transforming them into secure attachments. Our greatest model of secure attachment is the Trinity. All through the Gospels we read of examples of Jesus going to the Father for everything and anything and very often. Psalm 139 tells us: “God is intimately aware of us…our heart is an open book to Him.” Spending time with Jesus, who knows you and loves you, accepts you and is a “very present help in trouble” is the first step in repairing your insecure attachments. 

Join us next week as we dive deeper into explaining the three insecure attachments and how you can begin to reverse their adverse effects. 

If you need help working through insecure attachments, please don’t hesitate to ask for help or schedule an appointment with me. I would love to walk with you helping you learn to securely attach to God and others.