Mountaintop Experience

I was recently hiking on a trail that opened up to a beautiful view of mountains as far as the eye could see. I felt the warmth of the sun on my face and the breeze lightly blowing as I trudged up the hill. The views were so beautiful I couldn’t help but stop drinking in my surroundings and the vast wide open spaces overlooking the valleys and farmlands below. I experienced a surge in my spirit, and the openness brought freedom to my soul. The trail was narrow, so my friend walked ahead of me as there wasn’t room to walk side-by-side. Directly to the left and below me was a steep cliff, and to my right was the mountainside. The narrow trail clearly defined where I could walk and where I could not. There is something about open spaces and looking as far as the eye can see. It opens up our vision to freedom and possibilities, creating a desire to explore and soar. 

Clear Picture

As I was thinking about writing this blog, I thought about my hike and the subject of boundaries I was writing on. If I could depict a picture of boundaries and the freedom that they give, it would be akin to this hiking experience. Before me was this beautiful open setting with a trail that led me up the mountain defining where I could go and not go, what my limits and limitations were. The boundaries before me created and opened up space for me to fully enjoy the beauty that was surrounding me.  By living unencumbered by the fear of others, the sky’s the limit. It’s how Jesus wants us to live.  Boundaries opens up our ability to engage with others authentically and allows us to live from a heart that is freed by love. To walk successfully with boundaries requires we make a mindset exchange. From enslavement to servanthood. 

Boundaries – A Bad Rap

Boundaries can get a bad rap, labeled as something mean or selfish, with consuming guilt blurring the lines between hurt and harm. Boundaries are not walls, they are fences with gates that open and close. They are flexible and can be moved when trust is built and they are honored. It is never okay to use boundaries as a weapon to hurt another person. Nor is it okay to use them as punishment based on revenge or to teach others a lesson. That is not the spirit of boundaries. They are never to intentionally harm someone. In fact, those are not boundaries at all. Galatians remind us: “Beloved ones, God has called us to live a life of freedom in the Holy Spirit. But don’t view this wonderful freedom as an opportunity to set up a base of operations in the natural realm. Freedom means that we become so completely free of self-indulgence that we become servants of one another, expressing love in all we do…demonstrating love to your neighbor, even as you care for and love yourself.” (5:13 TPT). 

Hurt vs Harm

The truth is, boundaries may hurt others, meaning they won’t like your no, or they will no longer get their way, but you are not harming them. Often, the most loving thing we can do is to say no.  Let’s be honest, how times have we said yes, and it’s actually enslavement, not servanthood? How do we know? By the resentment or frustration that enters our heart. How many times have we wanted to say no but said yes out of fear? Let’s be honest again, that’s not love.  Our no’s might simply be an inconvenience to them or your no has caused them to take personal responsibility, but no harm has come to them. Isn’t that loving them well?  Boundaries look like saying no to a friend who really needs you to bail her out for the fifth time because her poor planning, in her mind, constitutes your emergency. Her feelings might be hurt that you won’t run to her aid, but no harm has come to her. Or not making excuses or covering for someone’s poor behavior when it used to be your automatic response. It might hurt their reputation, but you have not harmed them. As the scripture says, we don’t respond by intentionally humiliating someone, nor should we be intentionally cruel or mean about our no. But rather, our premise is based on love. Loving well and saying no is congruent. 

Next Steps

So where do you need to use your no but you are afraid of hurting someone’s feeling? Does your yes lead to love or frustration and resentment? How do you start the process of good boundaries?

1. Pray. Jesus was the greatest example of one who lived with boundaries and was also the greatest example of a servant. 
2. Evaluate your relationships – does your yes result in frustration and resentment?
3. Identify who you are afraid to say no to. Explore why?
4. Start with baby steps. Choose one thing that you need to say no to and do it! (I promise the sky will not fall, although it may feel like it).
5. Read the Boundaries book by Townsend and Cloud. It’s a MUST read!!!
6. Get counseling. If you need someone to go on a journey to discover as to why you are afraid of saying no, schedule an appointment, I would love to walk with you through this.