A Father’s Influence

Fathers play a pivotal role in their children’s lives. Often when you think of securely attaching you attribute this mainly to the role, your mother played. Times have changed since theorist John Bowlby conducted his research observing the way children attached to their mothers. With an increasing trend in fathers becoming stay-at-home caretakers, single parents are more engaged and present with their children. The focus on attachment style encompasses a child’s relationship with their father. Attachment is not focused solely on mothers, but rather the intimate and close relationships that children were able to form with both their mother and father. 

An attachment style is characterized by intense feelings of intimacy, emotional security, and physical safety in association with an attachment figure. Attachments are significant throughout one’s life, and they can vary over time. When established in early childhood, attachments can continue, but new ones can also be formed during later childhood or in adulthood, and current attachments can be reinterpreted with new perspective and conditions. The goal of attachment is to have a secure relationship with several caregivers to improve normal social and emotional development. 

God’s Design

It is by God’s design that your relationship with your biological father or the father-figure that was most predominant in your life as it prepares you for your ability to connect to your Heavenly Father. Your earthly father’s nature provided a window into how you can experience the heart of God. Research reveals that most children develop their perspective of God through their relationship with their father by the age of 7. 

If your father was caring, patient and concerned, you believe that God possesses those same traits. Conversely, if your father was harsh, judgmental or absent, you will believe that God is the same way. If your father was absent, regardless of the reason or was present but not engaged, you will believe that God is absent; you cannot hear him nor can you connect with Him. 

Examining your relationship with your father is an important step in helping you connect to your heavenly father. The style in which you attached to your father influences how your attachment style was formed; secure or insecure to God. It’s important to understand your style to help you move from insecure attachment to secure attachment. God wired you for connection, just as you can heal and repair in your human relationships, you can as well learn to securely attach with your Heavenly Father. In fact, it is the first step. 

When you start with God, the rest falls into place. 

Secure Attachment Style

When you are able to securely attach to God, you know that you can trust Him. You know that He is interested in you and you have an open invitation to share everything that is on your mind with Him. There is no fear of condemnation or fear that He will withdraw, think you’re too messy, or disappointed in you. Nor will He be harsh, abusive or overbearing. Psalm 139 says: “He is intimately aware of me, my heart is an open book to Him.” Romans 8:1 states: “So now the case is closed. There remains no accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in life-union with Jesus, the Anointed One.” Romans 8 informs you that there is nothing that can separate you from the love of God. He does not withhold from you in punishment. He is for you, not against you. I love in Hebrews how it describes God as consistent in character: “there is no shadow of turning with Him.” He remains constant and connected, always loving you, always inviting you, always glad to be with you. 

Dismissive/Avoidant Style

Because your caretakers did not attune to you on an emotional level, it is not uncommon for you to believe that God is not interested in you, that He doesn’t have time for you. You did not grow up believing your emotions mattered or were important, so you transfer that right into your relationship with Christ and hide your emotions from Him. You may be an excellent Bible student, consistently engage in Bible study, prayer and worship, but you are afraid to let God connect with your heart. It feels safer for you to have head knowledge of God but you keep your heart guarded and protected. It is also hard for you to “need” God, feeling it is safer to take care of yourself. 

Distracted Style

Your caretakers were inconsistent in their attunement to you and your needs. You grew up believing you were too needy, your emotions were too much, and you feared rejection if you asked or expressed your emotional needs. You may have some positive views of God, but you are unsure if He really wants to be there for you. You may be caught in the cycle of earning, striving, performing and begging. You only feel comfortable coming to Him if you have a really big need and may wonder if He really has time for you. It’s hard for you to give him control as He might be too controlling, too intrusive. While you hate to be alone, it’s hard for you to find a consistent connection. 

Disorganized Style

This is the least common of the three styles; it is more closely attributed to homes where abuse was present. You may often feel empty and depressed but plagued with fear, you view God with the same lens as the care you received; punitive and abusive. Waiting for God to lower the hammer on you, His disappointment in you never ceases even when you are trying your best. It’s hard for you to believe that God would ever be happy with you. Though you love God, you are also very afraid of Him. 

Secure Attachment Exemplified

Insecure attachment creates a dismal experience in your relationship with Christ. God’s desire for you is to live in secure attachment to Him. If you are wondering what that looks like you only need to look to the Trinity; God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus as they beautifully exemplified secure attachment. They are a perfect community; three-in-one and one-in-three sharing oneness. “Christ lives in you…his life-giving Spirit imparts life to you because you are fully accepted by God” (Romans 8:10 TPT). You receive healing in your heart when you allow the Holy Spirit to change your experiences; it’s not that he rewrites your narrative but rather He enters into your hurt, trauma or woundedness and brings His healing touch. It is during these times that you are able to experience His love. His love covers a multitude of sins; meaning sin you have committed through your own shortcomings or dysfunctional coping methods. But it also means sin that has been committed against you through neglect, abandonment, betrayal and abuse. It is His love that brings transformation. When you rest in His love you are securely attached.

2 Corinthians describes secure attachment: “But the moment one turns to the Lord with an open heart, the veil is lifted and they see. Now the “Lord” I’m referring to is the Holy Spirit, and wherever he is Lord, there is freedom. We can all draw close to him with the veil removed from our faces. And with no veil we all become like mirrors who brightly reflect the glory of the Lord Jesus. We are being transfigured into his very image as we move from one brighter level of glory to another. And this glorious transfiguration comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” (3:16-18). 

Practical Steps

So what are some practical steps to begin attaching to your heavenly father in a way that feels real and true, in a way that is transformative?

1. Make space and time to sit in God’s presence.
2. Seek counseling.
3. Engage in healthy friendships.
4. Spend time in Scripture meditation.
5. Healing prayer ministry.

These are all some ways to heal from insecure patterns and become more securely attached in the way you relate to God and others. 

Need Some Help?

If you would like help in your journey to secure attachment, give me a call. I would love to walk with you as you learn to connect to your heavenly father and experience his life-giving presence and allow your heart to engage with His.