Belonging! We have all experienced that ache in our soul when we find ourselves in situations or seasons in our life where we feel like we don’t belong. We feel it when we are in a crowd of people and our old wounds of our insecure attachment creep in leaving us with the thought of “what am I doing here, no one wants to be with me.” We see it in our society everyday through suicide, brutality, neglect, substance abuse and the list goes on. It all comes back to coping to fill the void we feel down deep. Whether or not that is true, is always in the eye of the beholder. There is no greater pain than insecure attachment. 

Steps Toward Healing

When the innate drive to connect meets with an inconsistent response, an absence of response, or a dangerous response, an insecure attachment is formed. The three insecure attachment styles are:  avoidant/dismissive, distracted and disorganized. You may share in one or more of these styles. Each of them require different skills to move from insecure to secure. It will take practice, practice and more practice. You are repairing your brain by rewiring the neuropath ways of your brain creating a new path depending on the style that you most identify with in your life. Because these are formed in your formative years when your brain is growing and learning, part of healing and repairing is to identify and change your reactions to responses to create new default pathways. 

There are several steps involved in the healing process. The first step and most important is to identify your attachment style or the combination of them. (Read last week’s post which describes the attachment styles). Step 2 is to being making steps to live counter to what is your norm. In other words, during this process you may feel like you are living counterintuitive to the ways in which you normally respond and the messages you tell yourself. That is precisely the step needed to get off the “pathway of pain” as Scripture describes and get on the road to recovery – the path He has set before you. 

Becoming Aware

Depending on the attachment style(s) you have identified, these are some things you will need to become aware of:  

Dismissive Attachment Pattern:

• Recognize that everything matters!
• Make mountains out of molehills (in your own life as well as in the lives of others)
• Use mindfulness practices
• Explore ways you can ‘break the rules’
• Grow in your experience that relationships are more important than rules. 

For those of you who live out of a dismissive attachment you will find it beneficial when you are interacting with others who will help you slow the conversation down, pay attention if something is happening (your automatic response is to dismiss it), invite people to ask questions, spend time in reflection growing in awareness of how your life matters and what impacts you. In other words, learning to wake up to yourself. Allow your heart to be softened – living out of a hardened heart, an “I don’t care attitude” is a way to protect yourself. However, you end up living out of a very diminished life as you allow opportunities and adventures to pass you by.

Distracted Attachment Pattern:

• It is important to learn how to get back to a place of internal calm when upset
• Deep breathing
• Mindfulness practices
• Settling yourself down through experiencing appreciation.

If you live out of a distracted attachment, you will benefit by being in relationship with others who can identify the inner turmoil you are feeling and in gentle ways steer you towards a sense of inner calm and confidence. One of your greatest fears is to be abandoned. Sometimes you can feel like you are too much – connecting intimately with those who don’t add fuel to your fire aids in the healing and repairing process. 

Disorganized Attachment Pattern:

• Need a stable, constant, mature person to walk life’s journey with you for the long haul
• Develop relational brain skills including:  Mindfulness, Self-Regulating and Building Joy. 

If you live out of a disorganized attachment, you will benefit from relationships that remain steady, consistent, calm and attentive while tuning into your inner turmoil, fear, chaos, and withdrawal. Sometimes you need validation that what you are going through is very important. Sometimes you need help in getting out of your internal chaos and back to a place of calm. Often you may believe that the grass is always dead on both sides of the fence; waiting for something bad to happen. You build joy when you are in the presence of people that are glad to be with you. Speak the word “Shalom” over yourself which in the Hebrew is: breaking the authority attached to chaos.

Greatest Secure Attachment

If you are feeling discouraged and overwhelmed with this process, take heart. Your greatest secure attachment is found when you are in a relationship with Jesus. You belong to Him! John 14:20 reminds us that we are in Him and He is in us, that we enjoy oneness in our relationship with Him. Therefore, we are never alone! The definition of joy – even from science and research is: I am happy to be with you! Song of Solomon is a love story to us from Jesus (read it in The Passion Translation) and it describes all the ways that Jesus takes great delight in us, we are His beloved and He is ours. The Psalms is full of ways that express how much He loves to be with us. Meditating on scripture alone will begin to heal your insecure attachments. Sitting in His presence, allowing Him to come and meet you where you are. 

Looking Ahead

I’m wondering if these are foreign words to your heart? You read them but you are not able to engage with them. Next week, we will discuss insecure attachments and connecting to God. If that is an illusive feeling, you are not alone. If you are one that reads your Bible regularly, has quiet time consistently, pray often without connection or you don’t bother because it seems to go nowhere – it could be due to your insecure attachment. Join me next week as we explore our insecure attachment styles and how it affects our ability to relate to and connect with God.

In the meantime, if you need help identifying and navigating insecure attachments, give me a call and we can set up a time. Learning to securely attach is foundational to your identity and your ability to form meaningful and intimate relationships with God, yourself,  spouse or significant other, your children and your treasured friends.