Building Connection through Communication

We’ve recently talked about how we are wired for relationships and outlined keys to keeping your relational circuits on for connection. All of that sounds great when relationships are smooth sailing, but what about when you hit a bump in the road or there is disagreement. What happens when your relationships can’t stand up to the divisive climate of the day? Learning effective communication skills is the fuel that diffuses conflict and builds connection which helps you to respond in love.

The antithesis to love is not hate. It’s fear. Our life, relationships, values and view of life are either built on fear or on love. Those are your two options. Sometimes the lines can become blurry because what can look like love; doing nice things for others, showing compassion and empathy, giving to the poor, can actually be fear responses and not love at all. Scripture tells us that “Love never brings fear, for fear is always related to punishment. But Love’s perfection drives the fear of punishment far from our hearts. Whoever walks constantly afraid of punishment has not reached love’s perfection” (1 Jn 4:18 TPT). In other words, if my actions are a way to avoid punishment, then they are based on fear; whether it be of rejection, disapproval or abandonment. Fear makes one suspicious. When fear is the basis of your relationship, you are not able to be yourself, you may find yourself walking on eggshells and appeasement is the ticket to safety. Conversely, “love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense” (1 Corin 13:5). Love is not tied to the outcomes, it’s not manipulative nor does it manage others. Love invites you to come fully present, accepting who you are.

Keeping Your Love On

Danny Silk has written a masterful book entitled “Keep Your Love On.” It’s about this very thing, staying connected to those we love regardless of the circumstances that we find ourselves in with others. The message isn’t that we shouldn’t or won’t have conflicts or that disagreements are necessarily a negative event, but when in conflict, what do we bring to the table? Do we bring love or do we bring fear?

Just recently my husband and I were having a conversation that started going south and I could feel myself shutting down and I wanted to create distance with my responses making it obvious. Because he knows me so well, he inquired why I was withdrawing. I realized that I had brought fear to the table. I was listening through a lens of fear and misunderstanding what he was saying. After some silence, I realized what was happening and was able to re-engage in the conversation, making the choice to listen and be respectful enough to hear him out. As we talked it out I was able to listen to his concerns and he listened to mine. Once fear was removed, I was able to hear him clearly and the conversation ended up being very fruitful. In the twinkling of an eye, fear can enter our conversations or our relationships and before we know what is happening, we are reacting to the fear instead of responding in love.

Relational Foundation

Avoiding the temptation to create distance in relationships requires that we do some pre-choice footwork. Staying committed to our true self and who we are, it’s important that we don’t allow disagreements or conflict to rob us of our integrity. What do I mean by that? If I know that I want to be a person who lives their life from a place built on love then I need to know what my foundation is made of and practically live that out. Taking personal responsibility is the bedrock to experiencing good relationships. Responsibility is defined as “the ability to respond instead of react.” In order to practice responding instead of reacting, we need to know ahead of time what our pre-choice response is so we are not caught off-guard with knee-jerk reactions. We must become aware that our responses are either built on love or fear. When our responses are built on love, we can show compassion and empathy even in the midst of complete disagreement. Love reminds us we are dealing with people made in the image of God that are worthy of respect. When we respond from fear, we are delivering punishment through digs, shame or anger. Anger, as we know, is a secondary emotion expressing what is really underneath and it rears it’s ugly head as a substitute when we feel powerless, sad or scared. Anger is the false power we default to.

Communication Styles

The way we communicate defines what our foundation is made of; love or fear. “For the overflow of what has been stored in your heart will be seen by your fruit and will be heard in your words” (Luke 6:45b) Learning effective communication tools is key in staying connected during conflict or disagreement. We cannot always make a situation better, but we definitely can make it worse. There are four different communication styles that fuel our relationships; three are reactions based on fear and one is a response built on love.

Fear-Based Communication

Passive communication is based on the mindset: “You matter and I don’t.” Passive communicators are reactors who are afraid to express their opinion, they allow others to overrule them, they’re afraid to make eye contact, experience anxiety and depression and do not express disagreement. Passive communicators do not take responsibility for their emotions or their lives, yet bitterness and resentment can simmer underneath.

Passive-aggressive communication expresses itself falsely as agreeable yet their belief is: “You matter, I don’t…not really.” Out of fear of rejection or punishment, passive-aggressive communicators will agree to your face but key your car when they walk out the door. Their responses may seem disproportionate to the event because they are afraid to express their true feelings and be truthful to your face so they will inflict revenge behind your back.

Aggressive communication uses language that manipulates and for personal gain. They are poor listeners and already have pre-established responses. Their belief is “I matter and you don’t.” Aggressive communication lacks empathy and compassion, with little interest in connecting or expressing value or respect to the other person.

Love-Based Communication

Assertive communication is best expressed through the belief that “I matter and you matter.” It is the antithesis to fear-based communication styles. It is an exchange based on valuing the other person, it celebrates honesty, does not tolerate disrespect and can stand in disagreement without taking delight in opposing opinions. Assertive communication takes responsibility for their emotions and actions without blame or judgement on the other person.

What’s Your Style?

Do you recognize yourself in any of these communication styles? When you communicate with others is it expressed in the belief that you don’t matter, that others don’t matter or that you both matter? We are living in a very unusual time, with little stability and much unknown. In this climate, feelings of powerlessness can lurk in the shadows. It can feel like living from a foundation of love is too permissive or even weak. Nothing could be further from the truth. Living life from a foundation of love is an empowered life. It affords us to live in freedom as we learn to be responsible for ourselves and responsible to but not for others. Responsible to, means we are respectful, practice good boundaries, are honoring and value others as created in the image of God. When we feel responsible for, we manage others by diminishing their voice and choices and we are controlling. We cannot control other people’s emotions, we can only control our own.

Live an empowered life with good communication skills, reaping the rewards of connection!

If you are having difficulties with relationships, feel free to schedule an appointment and we can explore where fear is entering in and how to address these issues. Discovering, identifying and dealing with fear-based communication styles, habits and thought processes will help you to have fulfilling relationships that are strong and fueled by love.