Community:  defined by Merriam-Webster as Ecclesiastical; a group of men or women leading a common life according to a rule. 

We are wired for connection and relationship. The most basic human longing in every person’s heart is to “be the sparkle in someone’s eye.” In other words, to know they are significant and that their life matters. 

For the individual whose longing was not met, who did not grow up as “the sparkle in someone’s eye,” their default is survival.  Henri Nouwen, in his book, The Inner Voice of Love describes that “a part of you was left behind early in your life; the part that never felt completely received. It is full of fears. Meanwhile, you grew up with many survival skills. But you want yourself to be one.” 

How can one move out of survival and celebrate their personhood, discover their capabilities and reap satisfaction in their contributions? Survival mode is just getting through the day without any short or long-term plan, feeling like you will never dig yourself out of the hole that you are in. If you find yourself in this predicament, perhaps it’s time to evaluate the company that you keep. There is power in community; either to heal or to hurt.  An unhealthy community is one ruled by fear. Relational interactions are characterized by pain with the threat of humiliation if one steps outside the lines. Desperate for relationships, those involved in community together bounce between shame, guilt, fear of rejection, abandonment or detrimental consequences. People are afraid to act like themselves so they pretend, feeling restricted or stunted. 

Conversely, in addition to the therapeutic relationship, engaging in a healthy community is a powerful healing tool. Healthy community creates space to:  detach from a survival mentality allowing yourself the freedom to explore who you were created to be without fear of making mistakes. A healthy community rules with the recognition that each member is amongst friends, people who are glad to be with you and you are glad to be with them. It’s an environment that cultivates truth, closeness, intimacy, joy, peace, perseverance and authentic giving. Each person is a part because they choose to be. Each person is celebrated and encouraged to act like themselves. Healthy community creates sustainability in the healing process as it is ruled by celebration and acceptance. True Self emerges in this community. 

What rules of ingredients make up your community? Celebration and acceptance or fear and restriction? If your community is based on fear, it’s time to think about making a change. If your community is based on celebration and acceptance you can be assured healing is happening. 

Do you need to make a change?