Your Brain is Wired for Relationships

We are fearfully and wonderfully made. I am amazed at the way God has created our incredible brains. As I’ve discussed in previous blogs, we are wired for relationships, literally! Within our brain is relational circuitry that can either open up or close down access to our relational brain. Relational circuits are a specific part of our physical brain that, when performing on all cylinders, help us feel connected with people. We have the desire to connect. When our relational circuits are diminished or off, we lose our desire for connection and we no longer experience joy with the people around us. We no longer value or care about what others around us are thinking or feeling. We no longer accurately gauge the way we are impacting others.  Everything in life and relationships runs better when our relational circuits are on because we can be our best relational self to navigate the smooth or bumpy terrain of relationships. 

Power of Gratitude and Appreciation

Neuroscience continues to confirm what Scripture has already taught us. The Apostle Paul exhorts us in Scripture to give thanks for all things, in all circumstances (Eph 5:20; 1 Thess 5:18), even in suffering (Rom 5:3-5; James 1:1-4), and to do everything in the name of Jesus out of a spirit of gratitude (Col 3:17). Why? Psalm 139 describes how God is intimately aware of us, reading our heart like an open book. When we face relational difficulties, our first instinct is to withdraw, close down and self-protect. We turn our relational circuits off. Because God can read our heart as the Psalmist says, he created a way for us to turn our circuits back on. In fact, he created a way for us to practice living fully connected, fully alive in our relationships. It is through thanksgiving, gratitude and appreciation. 

Enemy Mode

On any given day, when our relational circuits are off we can slip into enemy mode. Enemy mode is when we view other people as the problem. We have all been there. Everything about the other person is annoying and how many times have you heard your kids complain, “Mom, her breathing is bothering me.” When we are in enemy mode, we see those who are around us as a burden rather than a blessing. We can even perceive them as a threat. We have no interest in what they have to say, we are judgmental of them and do not give them the benefit of the doubt. We can be very snippy and snarky biting people’s heads off and tend to get fixated on a negative thought or incident. Sound familiar? We can adopt this perspective with those we are close to or those who are mere acquaintances or total strangers. 

The Relational Brain

Our relational brain accesses skills such as seeing another person’s point of view, compassion, creative problem solving, resilience and flexibility. We are also able to identify and take ownership of our part of the problem, especially when we are engaged in conflict. It is from our relational brain that we are able to best connect with God and others. When our relational circuits are on, we are able to mutually enjoy other people, each feeling seen, heard and celebrated. I have people in my life that I feel completely at peace and rest with when we are together. I do not have to hide or pretend and even in disagreement I can listen to their point of view without judgment (or rolling my eyes:)). We are genuinely interested in what is going on in each other’s lives. When I am with these people, I know that my relational circuits are on. Connection is taking place.  Psalm 84 beautifully describes what it’s like when your relational circuits are on and you are experiencing God’s presence. We are able to interact from our true self.  “When I’m near you, my heart and my soul will sing and worship with my joyful songs of you, my true source and spring of life! (v. 2b). 

All Circuits are Off

Conversely, it’s apparent when you are trying to connect with someone when your relational circuits are off or theirs are off. It’s hard to listen to what they are saying and you want to be alone. You may want to avoid them or find excuses to get away. This also permeates your mood when you try to read the Bible or interact with God. It feels very dry feeling easily distracted and not interested. This is good information that tells you your relational circuits are definitely off.  And when we are in enemy mode, everyone else is the problem!  Unfortunately, operating with our relational circuits off or slipping in and out of enemy mode can be destructive and wounding in relationships and hurtful to people we don’t even know. It doesn’t feel good to be in the presence of someone that is checked out or you’re not sure if they want you there, especially if they treat you like you are the problem. So what do you do when your relational circuits are off? How do you get them turned back on and back to relating with others in a healthy and life-giving way? 

The Key – In 4 Easy Steps

One of the many skills used to bring your relational circuits back on in your brain is through expressed thoughts of thanksgiving, gratitude and appreciation. The next time you’re struggling to turn your relational brain on follow these 4 easy steps. 

1. Spend a few minutes meditating on something that you appreciate, something that makes you want to say, “ahh” as you take a deep breath. 
2. As you meditate, engage all of your senses, until you feel connected to the memory or thought. 
3. Think or verbally express what you love and appreciate about this thought or experience. 
4. Sit in that experience until you are able to feel your relational circuits come back on. You will know your circuits are on when you have a desire to connect. 

The next time you are having a hard time connecting, you feel irritable and grumpy wanting the person you’re with to go away or you are fixated on an upsetting thought or the other person feels like the problem, give yourself some internal space and step into gratitude and appreciation. Reap the benefits of relating with your relational circuits turned on!