A Relational Game Changer

Relationships make the world go round. We are wired and do our best when we are in connection with others. Good relationships produce good fruit, which is evidenced by growth, healing and freedom. But not all fruit is created equal. When fruit is spoiled, overripe or rotten, it can make you sick. In fact, over ripened fruit grows mold that is toxic with its roots growing much deeper than is visible. Many of you may experience the result of sick relationships established in fear, mistreatment, disrespect and even abuse. These types of relationships are rooted in shame, leading you to believe you are at fault, making it hard to see clearly to make the necessary changes. It feels as if it will always be this way. 

Toxic relationships feed on your fears, victimizing you into secrecy, silence and judgment. If you find yourself in this scenario, I have good news for you; you are not alone in this, nor is this all your fault. Unfortunately, there are countless thousands who share similar stories. There is a way out. It might be very difficult at first, but not impossible. Continue reading as we explore strategies that will release you from the prison of toxic relationships so you can stand upright. Maybe your story is different, maybe you aren’t able to say “no” to people or in relationships always striving, earning and performing that wreaks another kind of toxicity in your life. Like the abused person, you are not the captain of your own ship. There’s a way out for you as well.

Defining Your Property Line

Well over 25 years ago I came to a place in my life where I realized I was not the captain of my own ship. Everyone else was. I had little control of my life and I was feeling the effects of it… and unfortunately, so was my family. 

I was in ministry at the time and a hot mess. In the thick of it, I went to a seminar with two of my older sisters on the subject of Boundaries with the featured speakers, the authors themselves of the best-selling book Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. It was a life-changing full day seminar where I was introduced to and learned biblical truths about setting boundaries and the freedom and empowerment they create in my life. They described boundaries as “the property lines around your life.” These property lines define where you begin and where you end, keeping your identity intact. It completely set me on a course of healing.

Prior to that fateful day, I had no clue where I began and where I ended. I allowed everyone else to define my property lines. As I have continued the journey of living and setting boundaries, it has been a complete game changer. Learning to take responsibility for my life, my choices and all that encompasses who I am has been very empowering and has allowed me to live more and more from my true self. Boundaries increases your capacity for love, allows you to respond instead of react, and enables you to live in freedom. I highly recommend the Boundaries book as a must-read for all of my clients.  

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Learning to establish clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that helps us define the things we are responsible for. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. They are not walls that shut people out, rather they are fences with a gate that can be open or closed.

They impact all areas of our lives: 

• Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances.
• Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions. 
• Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.
• Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God’s will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator. 

Boundaries can feel counterintuitive to how we live our life, conjuring up feelings of fear that we will be seen as selfish and unloving. Owning our life opens up many possibilities. Jesus set such a great example of boundaries, knowing who He was and why He was sent here. He did not allow anyone to define who He was and spent a lot of time with his Father who reminded him who He was. 

When Peter misunderstood what Jesus was doing and wanted him to respond differently, Jesus rebuked him and called him a hindrance. Jesus also knew his limitations, and after a day of healing and meeting the needs of others, “He withdrew to pray.” When Peter tried to step inside another person’s property lines, Jesus told him to mind his own business. The Gospels are full of examples of Jesus setting boundaries. 

Boundary Crashers

Not everyone will be excited about your newfound freedom and exercise in setting boundaries. In fact, boundaries can cause tension in your relationships as others bristle to your new set of rules. After all, we teach people how to treat us. These people are best described as boundary crashers. They do not like your “no.” Boundary crashers believe that their needs are more important than the rights of others to say what happens to their bodies, minds, emotions or lives. They will manipulate to get what they want, using tactics like guilt, anger or force to ensure that their needs are met, such as the mother who tries to make her daughter feel bad for not coming home for the holidays. 

In some instances, you might find yourself flat-out telling others that they are responsible for you, your results and/or your feelings, such as the emotionally abusive spouse who says he wouldn’t have to yell if his wife wouldn’t make him so angry. You might also find yourself pouting or having a tantrum because you don’t get what you want or repeatedly bugging someone to give you what you want, even after they say no. 

You may even ridicule or shame others who attempt setting a boundary. Boundary crashers have little to no meaningful relationships. They can be obnoxious, rude, pushy and bossy. Or the flip side, quiet and passive. 

Assessing Your Boundary Lines

So how do you know if you have good boundaries? 

1. You are able to say “no” without guilt.
2. You take responsibility for your own life.
3. You know, understand and accept your limits and limitations.
4. You are able to stay attuned to your feelings; if you are experiencing resentment or discomfort, you are able to stop and evaluate your “yes.”
5. You give yourself permission to set boundaries even in the midst of discomfort in others. 

Practice makes permanent. Boundary setting can feel very counterintuitive and is a skill that is learned and practiced. If you are new to this, enlist the help of a friend or a counselor who can support you in your journey. If you stick with it, even through the discomfort, you will know when to say yes, how to say no and take responsibility for your life resulting in a greater capacity to live in freedom and to love fully. 

I know this from my own journey and personal experience. If you need help in setting boundaries, schedule an appointment, I would love to walk with you through this.